Monday, February 15, 2010

wear me like a locket around your throat.

it is forever snowing here in pittsburgh. it's slightly annoying at this point. everyday the news is like "3-6 inches". this is interfering with my student teaching. i'm not saying that i want to teach, but i want it to be over with and as of now i only have 168 hours and i'm supposed to have 217 at this point. i've had at least 6 two hour delays and 5 days off. it's getting ridiculous.
some days i really like teaching. these are the days when i'm not really teaching them anything, we're just interacting. i really love every single one of my students and i think they're (mostly) good kids, it's just the whole teaching part of teaching that i hate. i love planning and going to meetings and making copies (yeah, i'm lame). but the whole standing up in front of the class and lecturing them for 40 minutes is getting old and i've only done it 3 times. i can't wait until we get to Russia when they basically teach each other the whole time. that will go so much more nicely.
i hate thinking that i wanted to teach. and i'm saying this with the thought that i'm probably going to teach full-time some day. my main problem is that i don't like being watched. it must be slightly comical for people to imagine me teaching. and watching me teach is exactly like you'd imagine. i really don't care and that is my problem. all of my student teacher friends are so excited to teach every day and i see it as a chore. i'm not sure. i just want to graduate so badly.
but there are so many problems with graduating.

my cousin told me that i'm wasting my last semester of college. this is probably true since it's now the middle of February and i've gone out once this whole year and have seen my friends probably 3 times. i go to my grams every weekend or work then i sit on the computer or work on lessons and then i'm in bed by 9. my life sounds so depressing, and from the outside it probably is. i'm ok with it. minus the whole teaching part.

scratch all of this. i do feel bad saying i hate teaching because i don't. i just know that teaching isn't really going to be my strong point and that i wasn't cut out for it. i think i'm cut out to be a housewife. the only problem is i'll never get married. so i'll tend to my 7 cats and have my parents pay for everything for the rest of my life.

when i still saw my friends on a regular basis, one of them said that i was the most depressing person they knew. i'm really sorry if you feel that way, but i honestly can't help it. everyone probably thinks that i sit at home and cry all night, but i think i choose to be this way. in my mind i'm the happiest person i know, it just probably doesn't appear that way on the outside. like when i say "i hate my life" in some ways i mean it, but i really don't. it's just the type of person i am. i'm perfectly aware that if i wanted to do something, i could. my biggest problem is that i'm lazy, i think. no...i know this is my biggest problem. i think i keep looking to the future (aka next year) when i won't have a career or school or parking tickets to pay or lesson plans to make or tests to take or meetings to go to or anything like that. my mom is going to wash my dishes and fold my clothes.

and i'm going to redo my room next year. it's so small so there isn't much that i can do with it but i'm going to paint my walls yellow (possibly) because i don't think i'll ever be able to find gold glittery paint that isn't like 100 dollars a gallon. and have a whole bunch of black and white pictures. maybe this summer i'll actually get ten minutes to myself where i feel like doing something other than sleep so i can take some pictures. i can't even describe how much i miss walking around shadyside in the summer in shorts taking pictures on the side of the road and having people think i'm insane.
now all i have is snow to take pictures of, and that'd be nice but i hate standing in the 6 degree weather to take pictures. it's just not worth it in my mind.

2 comments:

  1. Katie6:15 PM

    hi, i just finished my student teaching... i felt the SAME way that you did. i would often wonder.. will student teaching ever end?!?! well... it did. and now that i look back on it, it got a little better and a little easier toward the end.

    i always think that i am best to be a housewife too! i feel like i KNOW that would make me happy... and by the way, my walls are bright yellow! :D

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  2. Nice title...

    If you enjoy your life, the opinion of the majority shouldn't matter...
    Since you enjoy the interaction more than the "teaching" aspect, try to incorporate interaction into the lesson. It is easier to learn (or it was for me) when you are forced to form an opinion that has to be explained. Just a tid-bit. I had a teacher that would have a "quote of the day" every single day. You were forced to transcribe it and write a short summary of it (2-5 sentences). It was kind of a pain in the ass if you got behind, but it helps explain my love for free-thinking and quotes. Every form of art is open to interpretation...

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